Are Soul Mates for Suckers?

Someone recently told me that I’m going to have a hard time finding a man who’s going to appreciate the adventurous, spontaneous, and oftentimes reckless aspects of my personality.

You see, while I’ve ditched the “Prince Charming” narrative and the rose-colored glasses of my formative years, I still seemed to have gleaned an idea of romantic love that isn’t considered “realistic” by some. But alas, the “some” that think it’s unrealistic don’t have the type of relationship I want.


After a string of anticlimactic Bumble dates, it’s been sometimes challenging to hold onto the vision of what my soul desires. And if I wasn’t doing the work to stay in my worth (via journaling, meditation, self care, talk therapy, etc) it would be nearly impossible.

The older I get, the more I realize how we oftentimes sleepwalk our way through life relying on a learned set of patterns picked up in childhood, causing us to then subconsciously attract partners – for better or worse – solely because it’s what we know. (Enter: Trauma Bonding)

“Everyone attracts partners from their prehistoric limbic brain or old brain, aka the subconscious mind. The one that imprinted in childhood… We attract our trauma missing puzzle pieces that our brain believes will make us whole…

[Trauma bonding] means that their trauma attracted your trauma. Meaning that we attract suitors and partners which are the culmination of the traits of the caretakers who raised us. We do this because our subconscious believes that we will be able to work out our undeveloped worth, trauma, and pain through this missing other puzzle piece with our half.” – Lacy Phillips,

I just finished Lacy’s “UNBLOCKED Partnership” course, available here, and have come to learn something that I long thought to be true: all of my past romantic partners up to this point have been mirrors of where I still needed healing in my life and where I needed to grow my self worth in order to experience the type of lasting partnership I want. I truly believe that you will attract a partner that is a vibrational match for where you are in your life right now.

I’m single because I want the kind of love that is requiring me to transform and transmute some of my deep inner shit. And it’s hard. It’s incredibly vulnerable to look at things that have been silently lurking in the cobwebbed corners of your subconscious and leaching out into your life for decades. And it’s so easy to just choose to numb these things instead of facing it all.

And it is not enough to simply look at these things. Just looking keeps your stuck in the pain and the shame. You have to look, feel, accept without judgement, and allow yourself to open up to another way of living, another reality. You have to get therapy and journal and talk about it and read about it and find ways of healing that work for you. It is not always easy to change how you’ve always viewed yourself and the world around you. But my God, is it worth it.

How many of us stay with someone because we’re afraid of being alone? How often do you make excuses and settle because you think this is just as good as it gets? How many times have you chased unrequited love because you were starving for validation?


“So many of us choose our path out of fear, disguised as practicality.”

– Jim Carrey

The more I write, the more I realize that this is truly less about romantic love and more about how one chooses to live life as a whole. Want to attract soul mate love? Yeah, me too. But you have to put the phone down, take the earphones out, look up, look people in the eyes, say “hi”, take responsibility for your healing and your happiness, and remember that we’re all here in this life together.



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